It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
