that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
