Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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