I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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