My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Randomize
