the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
I DEMAND FORESKIN
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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