how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
