I just pynch a tree in the face
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
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