there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Randomize
