girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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