the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
You're like the curious george of whores
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
