Well douche your snatch and let's go!
just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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