Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
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