we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
That reminds me...we need to get swords
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Randomize
