I wish I could punch you in the face.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
