Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
