she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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