It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Randomize
