Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
