If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
