Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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