and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
