is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Just puked most of my soul out..
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
