I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
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