so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Randomize
