she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Randomize
