May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
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