I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Randomize
