if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Randomize
