do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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