I just gift wrapped bread.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
