We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
