my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
