Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
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