Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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