eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Randomize
