Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
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