I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
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