for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
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