dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
