Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
