Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
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