She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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