My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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