Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
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