Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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