shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
