just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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