I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Sext me about skeletons
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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