God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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